Let me start by saying, I don’t really hate Bob. It’s just that, well… You see when you’ve been working the yard for as long as I have and you finally get moved up to the front station over by the big mushroom, you don’t expect someone working the back station by the plastic owl to get ahead of you.


Oh I almost forgot… my name is JeromeGnome, I’ve been working as a garden gnome all my life. In fact, my entire family has worked the yard for hundreds of years! Most of the other gnomes in my garden have been around for probably fifteen-twenty years. Bob, on the other hand was fairly new--I’d say he showed up less than two years before he was gnome-napped by those Travelocity folks.


My best friend is Elmer. He’s half gnome / half fairy. He’s always been sort of shunned by the other gnomes in the yard. It's his frilly little wings that are the problem. The other gnomes are pretty rude to Elmer. I mean, I’m all for a good laugh when someone’s not around, but they make fun of Elmer right to his face. Elmer and I got pretty close one night (don’t get no ideas) when we realized we shared a dream of life outside the garden. He’s always talking about flying and me, seeing the world and I can’t wait till I get my first big acting break! Don’t get me wrong, gardening is in my blood--I wouldn’t want to lose my job or anything. But, well I’m sort of a star performer in the yard! A couple of my specialties are hoe twirling and the lawnmower ballet! That on top of the accents and range I have, I know I'll make it if I just get my break!


So that leads me back to Bob… I know that he was in the right place at the right time when he got gnome-napped that night, but I’m the one with the talent! Have you noticed how over-the-top that f#*@-ing accent is! Truth be told, he’s probably someone else’s voice; have you noticed that he never moves his lips!! And what's with him always keeping his hands in his damn pockets! Really! What’s that about -- what’s he trying to hide! Bob is a no-talent schmuck of a garden gnome who can’t act his way out of a g&#^%$###’d, m&##!@#, qu%^## and cr*&#$%-ing bag!!!!


Sorry, sorry… I’m sorry, but that should’ve been me! That was my dream! I'm the one with all the undiscovered talent! Damn Frat boys!!!! And ohhhhh… I’ve tried contacting Bob, but he never returns my calls or even the thousands of emails I've sent to him. By now, I'm sure he has "people" that make sure that all the call and letters never get to him! I just wanna talk to him--see how he's doing. Maybe he can put in a word for me! So if you see him or know him, tell him to call his good friend JeromeGnome. No hard feelings... really! ;-)